I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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