new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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