Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
