the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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