Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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