don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
