The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
