my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
