Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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