Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
