Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Im part way to drunk.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Randomize
