Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Drunk is a universal language darling
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
