I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
