Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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