how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
