Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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