Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
hell yes lets make some ravioli
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
