My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
