I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
