I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
i came on her dog
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
