If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Randomize
