We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
