Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Randomize
