Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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