apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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