Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
