My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
