Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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