Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
well, you know. whores of a feather.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
