Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
