It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
