Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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