I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Randomize
