If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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