My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
