she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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