You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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