I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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