The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
PS: I just woke up from my shower
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Randomize
