So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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