He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
