oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Randomize
