apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
