she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
