All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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