I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
