he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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