if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
