Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
i love accidental penises.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
