it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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